Category Archives: encouragement

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Shut Up and Just Listen

At the height of my struggle with anxiety, I remember how pompous some people were. Okay, pompous is too strong of a word. They meant well. But I remember telling a few people I was struggling, and the first thing a few did was quote scripture back to me. Now don’t get me wrong, scripture is comforting. It is life-changing. But what I needed in those moments was not for someone to offer words of wisdom or to quote scripture I already knew. What I needed at that moment was for someone just to listen.

woman sitting on wooden planks
Photo by Keenan Constance on Pexels.com

That’s the hard part. When you struggle and we scream out for help, it often feels like no one wants to listen. And even as I type this, I know that I as well suck at this. I suck at listening. When my wife was at the tip of dealing with hurt from toxic leaders in our church we were attending- I sucked at listening.

One of my goals this year is to offer less advice and try and listen when someone is hurting. Sometimes that is what people need more, and sometimes that is the last thing we think to offer.

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Work – Life Balance- It’s all Bull

This week I had the following question asked to me by friend Gretchen (who gave me permission to use it as a blog post). I’ll be honest; I’ve had a hard time answering it. Right now, I’m on vacation. It’s early, the cabin is quiet, and I’m enjoying a nice hot cup of coffee while I write this. There are some people out there who will try to get you to buy a course on Work-Life Balance. But the truth is, save your money. Work / Life Balance is all bull.

Part of the reason I hate this phrase is that it is basically saying one of the two is negative. Either your work life is negative, or your life at home is negative. So to achieve happiness, you need to balance them, so one doesn’t interfere with the other.

We’re taught don’t let home life negatively affect our work, and for goodness’ sake, don’t let the work life negatively affect your home life. The problem is we’re conditioned to compartmentalize everything and become actors staring in different plays at different times of the day. No wonder our mental health is so jacked up in this country.

The truth is that’s all BS, and there are a ton of people who spend thousands each year trying to find balance.

Newsflash: Balance doesn’t exist because it’s all one thing- LIFE.

Work is the reason I get up in the morning at 5:30 am. Family is the reason I come home. Hobbies are the reason I can disconnect and breathe. Each has its ups, downs, and stresses, but in the end, it’s just life.

Listen…

I have failed as a leader at work.

I have failed as an author.

I have failed as a friend.

I have failed as a father.

And I have failed as a husband.

You learn how to do it all as you go. But that still doesn’t answer the question- how do I blog, podcast, be an effective leader in the workplace, be present with my kids, write stories, love my wife, garden, game, and watch shows?

I’m not sure I do all of this all the time. It may appear that way, but I try to be proactive in my approach. Sitting the phone down at night to focus on my wife and kids is hard. It’s a challenge. I have to be proactive at it. I have to make it a habit to place it on silent and on the mantle. Why silent? Because if someone calls and they need to get a hold of me, they can leave a message. It’s that simple. I also turn notifications off. That has been an enormous help. I don’t see a notification unless I click on the app.

As far as podcasting and writing go, I make time because I love doing it. The podcast started for my sanity. I don’t talk about politics, religion, or current events online. One- Those conversations are not crucial to me. Two- I find them boring because it’s the same people making the same tiring arguments from both sides. Three- They always turn toxic, and honestly, they are very uncreative discussions.

So the podcast birthed out of myself and my friends just wanting to have fun geeky conversations without all the mess of toxic fandoms.

Regarding writing- 90% of all my writing is done on my phone or iPad. A large portion of my blog is written in my WordPress Jetpack app.

Being a Dad who writes, I don’t have the luxury of waiting for the perfect mood or setting for the muse to hit. I have to go. If that means I’m writing Iggy & Oz at a stop light, checkout line, or Doctors office, I do it. If something is important to you, you do it. That’s how I feel about blogging and writing stories. You make it work. It’s not about balance.

Everything else. Gardening, playing video games and watching my favorite shows. I don’t do those things every day. But I do them and find time to do them because I love doing them.

You don’t have to block out huge chunks at a time. Ten minutes here or there is all it takes. I may read only a chapter a day or consume mostly audiobooks, but I make time for the things I love.

I don’t scroll endlessly on TikTok, Instagram, Or Twitter anymore. Sure, I show up, but it’s in little spurts here and there. Heck, YouTube has become my social media of choice, and 90% of all my Social Media posts are in my IG stories or me sharing a blog post.

It’s hard to find time to do everything in life, and there are things I give up. But at the end of the day, when you enjoy doing something because it’s a challenge or makes you happy, you find the time.

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Twelve Years Since We Lost My Brother

It’s been 12 years since we lost my younger brother to his fight with addiction. Usually, I don’t like using social media or my site to talk about my sorrow, pain, or grief. I keep those for my private life and a few close friends. Besides, some people struggle so much more than I do anyway and need help, words of comfort, and focus. But 12 years later, my grief has left me to an extent.

Keith and I
Keith, Myself, and Grandma

Sure. Like his big bear hugs and spunky personality, I’ll always miss my younger brother. His annoying liberal talk and countless funny mistakes made you want to laugh. Those are the things I miss.

The hard part of addiction is: It kills. It does everything it can to break you until it wins. Whether pills, insecurities, alcohol, porn, sexual, control, or whatever. Addiction comes in different shapes, different disguises, and different methods.

But here is the deal. Addiction doesn’t need to define you. Addiction can be beaten or, at the least, locked away, chained up in some dark cave. Because the truth is addiction never leaves you.

That’s where the real battle is.

We, as men, know this all too well. Sometimes we, as men, find ourselves going off and sitting alone at the mouth of those caves. To think, to fight, and grasp hold of the battle. This is sometimes dangerous, especially when we try it alone. The worst part is- if a man can’t find the cave, we’ll create one out of whatever circumstances happen to be lying around. Temptation is strong, as is the need to withdraw.

We are all addicts in a sense. All of us are born with a natural tendency to sin, and not only to sin but to enjoy it, to justify it, to embrace it.

Thankfully when God looks at us who follow Him in faith, He doesn’t see the sin, the addiction, the hurts, the habits, or the hang-ups.

When God looks at us- He sees the Cross.

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What experiences in life helped you grow the most?

What experiences in life helped you grow the most?

I’ve had so many different experiences in life it’s difficult to narrow down and say “this one made me grow.”

The daily question: what experiences have helped you grow the most

We all face challenges. We all face difficult circumstances. Yet, why does it need to be the negative that causes us to grow?

Maybe it’s because failure teaches us the most important lessons in life. But the world teaches us that failure is bad, it needs to be avoided, and that if we fail we’re done.

In my life I’ve learned to embrace failure. Not because I want to fail, but because I’ve learned that failure more than anything helps me grow.

My biggest failure was when I failed out of high school. While all my other friends were heading off to college, I was stuck trying to take a couple of correspondence courses just to get my last two credits in order to graduate.

What I learned here is that one failure doesn’t set you on a predetermined course. Failures can often, more times than many, be the thing that pushes you to keep going .

What about you? What experiences have helped you grow in your life?