5 things dads should never teach their kids to do. Okay, I’m sure there are way more than five. Every wife probably has a secret list of habits or quirks they hope their children never pick up from their father. It’s likely a hopeless endeavor. 

Since I have two young Hobbits (ages 10 and 8), I decided to put together my list of strange behaviors I should not teach my kids.  

1. Leave Stinky Socks and Underwear on the Bathroom Floor

Have you ever smelled a sweaty child’s feet? There is nothing worst than that smell. Okay, maybe vomit, but sweaty kid’s feet are up there. I would take a pasture full of cow manure over sweaty kid’s feet. It was on my list of things I couldn’t stand last week. 

I grew up in locker rooms. So I’m fully aware of the grotesque smell that most high school boys endure after a grueling practice. But with the smell of sweaty socks and underwear, there is something different. 

When you pick it up, the smell transfers to your hands. A whole bottle of hand soap later, you still have a lingering odor on your fingertips. 

As a single guy, I’d leave a collection of socks and underwear on the bath mat. Every day when I hopped in the shower, it would sit there. Often it would stay there until laundry day came around. If the pile got too big, you kicked it to the side. 

I can only imagine my wife’s shock when she learned this about me. I will admit, though, that I have broken the habit. What can I say? After 19 years, I’ve been fully domesticated.  

Yet, I’ve noticed this same habit developing in my kids. This concerns me as they slowly begin to move into teenagers. 

2. Try to Outsmart the GPS

Okay, my wife will tell you that this is still a weakness of mine. I’ll admit it most likely is. I have a terrible habit of thinking I know the quicker route. I’m the king of the backroads. Typically when we’re about a half-an-hour late or wind up stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic, I’ll quietly confess my wife and the GPS were right. 

3. Leave a Display of Toenail Clippings on the Coffee Table

Now, full disclaimer. I don’t do this. But man, my Dad did. Sorry, Dad. It’s true. It never failed, we would be in the living room watching some old black-and-white science-fiction movie, and Dad would sit there and clip his toenails. And, oh yeah, my Dad’s feet were anything but properly pedicured. So the toenails Dad left out were those narely, twisted-looking ones. He’d leave them in a pile on the coffee table for the world to see like some proud trophy. Yep, disgusting. I hope my kids never earn this trait. 

4. Fart in Public

We’ve all been there. Usually, it’s after some big meal that’s left us bloated and tired. It just slips out. We try to be stealthy about it. We glance around and quietly let it squeeze out as we recall all our kegel exercises. But one of two things happens. Either the deathly stench begins to choke everyone around, or there is a slight tremor and what we thought was silent is loud enough to shake the walls. And if your in an elevator with females, you’re just toast. Passing gas in public is a big no, no. 

5. Put Clean Dishes Away in Random Places  

Do you want to know how to annoy your spouse or teach your kids how to do the same? Especially boys. Here it is. How many times have I gone through kitchen orientation? To many. Listen, if our house is unorganized, it’s most likely because I put things away. I tend to toss stuff in a spot that looks free and out of the way, only to forget where I placed it later.

You might as well be looking for the Ark of the Covenant if you’re looking for something specific after I’ve put the dishes away. I will admit I get the main items right. It’s usually the small odd and end things I mess up. 

Of course, I’m all joking (Maybe). But in all honesty, there are several things we could add to this list. These are only 5 things dads should never teach their kids to do. What else could one add to such a list? 

What say you?