Do you ever have regrets…?

I know I do. There are moments in my life I wish I could just hit the pause button. Take a little time to think about things, then rewind back and re-live all over again. Perhaps I wouldn’t have played G.I. Joes in my grandmother’s attic that resulted in me and a few friends falling through the ceiling causing thousands of dollars in damage. Then there was the time I wrecked my car attempting to ramp it over a small creek with a busted bridge (hey, it worked on the Dukes of HAZARD).

But then there are the more serious moments. Like the day my brother died at the age of 29. I often found myself wishing I could have had that “last” conversation. What would I say? Would I cry because I knew something he didn’t? Could I have the power to travel back and warn him to get off prescription drugs and wash his hands of it all?

It’s time like this where I wish I had a TARDIS. If you have no idea what that is, I invite you to view my previous post or turn on some Dr. Who. At the end of the day I wouldn’t mind the ability to travel back in time and fix all the mistakes I made. I would go back to 1987 and tell my ten year old self to focus on school, focus hard. I would warn myself at the age of 16 that I wasn’t invincible and if it came down to it- I could get hurt.

But would it be worth it. Would it be worth going back and reliving all those painful moments that still eat away at me and make me feel as though I am hopeless? Could I really rid myself of some regrets and the weight of some guilt? Would it change who I am today? But wait, I like who I am.

I’m sure that I could have the chance to find peace with some situations. But I’m not sure I could fathom the idea of changing who I am now.

The road of life is full of crooked paths. Some wander you off in lost directions at times but eventually you discover a new way. I’m not sure I would want to change my past. For to change the past would mean to change the present, and as bad as life may have been for me in the past, the present- Well let’s just say I’m satisfied.

Often in life we tend to look back instead of forward. But what is behind us. The truth is- Nothing. Success is found by focusing on where you want to go. Not where you once were. Some of the best books are memoirs written by those focused on the past. I wonder- Did they move on. Did scattering the words across the page give them strength to turn the page?

Someday I may write about my past. The ups, downs, and pains that I experienced along the way. But someday will only happen when I and we accept that what lies behind is behind for a reason.

 I wish I could change the past. I do. But not at the expense of losing what I have now.

 J.J. Johnson